Glass Half Empty

A glass would be anything but half empty if you left it outside these days. The rainy season has arrived and everyone knows it, each of the last 7 days has had it's share of precipitation, deluge even, and it looks to continue that way.

Recently it has become more obvious to me how deep the wounds are here. The British are famed for their stiff upper lip. That ability to grin and bear it and avoid conflict, emotions or generally anything sensitive at all costs. Yet I find here something that goes far beyond that but it is very hard to place. Perhaps it is just a complete de-sensitisation because the people here have seen so much that they have become numb. Maybe it is the ostrich move of sticking ones head in the sand and pretending that it never happened. Or somehow they have just learned to live with the loss of so much, knowing that all is not lost. For they still have their lives, if not their family, if not their dignity, if not their limbs, if not their pride, if not their happiness, they yet have life in them.

Who knows, perhaps no one, but all the same Rwanda still lives in the ashes of its past, limps on with the scars of yesteryear.

For our team to get anywhere in town we have to get a bus. 20p will get you anywhere in the city. This process involves a 15 minute walk down our local high street to the local bus station which consist of a dirt courtyard packed with people and various buses. You wait on the bus until its full and then hop off at your destination. Simple enough.

However, in the 15 minutes it takes to walk to the station you will pass people who are simply lying in the street in 30 degree heat, sometimes half on the pavement half in the road with a hand stretched out.

When you get to the bus station you have to push through the swarm of street vendors who flock to the white people. You learn the word for 'no' pretty quickly. Occasionally you will actually be grabbed (it is quite a tactile culture) by someone begging for money, though it is closer to demanding than begging really.

Once you have figured out which bus you need and get on the blind man will have managed to find his way on to the bus and will do the rounds as the bus fills up. If you turn your face from him to look out the window you will likely see more vendors trying to sell you anything from bread to USB sticks through the window. Occasionally they will disperse as though someone just started shooting at them. They don't pay taxes because none of their sales are recorded so their practice is illegal and they would rather not be caught by the heavily armed police. In their place you will find at your window a woman waving the stump of an arm that used to have a hand on the end of it gently thudding against your window, demanding your attention, your pity, your money. Eventually the bus fills and you pull away, the conductor will at some point ask for your 20p and you will place it into a scarred hand full of tattered cash. Then you arrive at your destination and start your day. There were many survivors of the genocide but none got through unscathed.

Despite all of this life goes on. They press on and most seem unaffected by what they see. In fairness most have seen far worse and the fact that the country is at peace is a blessing that outshines the scars of the past.

My Grandmother had a heart attack this week. She is several thousand miles away and I am at least 6 weeks away from being able to see her again. I am a very long way from home.

The longest Saturday of all time was probably the Saturday between good Friday and Easter Sunday. The one in whom the disciples had placed all of their hope, whom they had lived with for the past 3 years and who they believed to be the one who would win the victory of victories was brutally and publicly tortured and executed.

But Sunday came.

When all hope was lost and everything was at its darkest. After all the commotion and chaos and fireworks the ashes rested and there was the cold bitter taste of grief without a mote of hope to carry them.

Yet the tomb was empty. The resurrection, so far beyond expectation that even its evidence was met with scepticism but slowly it dawned. There was not just some hope remaining. There was the most secure, the most unwaveringly sure hope ever to have graced the face of this earth.

There is a resurrection.

There is hope like African rain that will fill your glass to overflowing. A hope in the new life, a new, unbroken body, a new heavens and a new earth. A hope that we go on beyond the veil.

Not an empty star gazing hope but a living, active and life changing hope that the glass is not half empty but filled to capacity. 

Departure

The all too familiar mixed emotions of departing for the field are here... Going on an adventure with Jesus to the other side of the world, lots of new people to get to know and build friendships with. Important and fulfilling (and occasionally frustrating and even heart breaking) work to be done.

Yet at the same time it is leaving the security of familiar England, the comfort that comes from existing friendships and family and heading into the unknown. Having done all that needs to be done in order to prepare there is the less concrete objective of saying the goodbyes and preparing mentally and spiritually for the season ahead.

While I am in Rwanda they will be commemorating the 20th anniversary of the genocide for an entire week. It is a very broken nation and within my lifetime has seen more horror than any of us would want to imagine, let alone be witness to or be a part of. Doubtless over the weeks I will be struck with different impressions of how this has affected those left behind. Not just those who are older than 20 but also the next generation of Rwandans who have been born out of fire and hold the future in their hands.

At this juncture I stand thankful for all of the support and encouragement that has enabled me to be ready to go. I am thankful also for the lessons that are yet to come, as varied and difficult as they may well be, they will be unique gifts from God.

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is error, truth;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console;

To be understood as to understand;

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

- St Francis of Assisi

Theodicy

One day, when I was a child, I lent my relatively new bike to a friend, the friend promptly broke my prized bicycle attempting to go over a jump. In a whirlwind of tears, burning anger and shame at the fact that  I was responsible for a broken bike I ran my it back home. I discarded it on the drive and ran into the house and flung myself on the sofa, barely noticing my fathers presence on the sofa opposite. My dad asked me what was wrong ... To my shame I think I told him to piss off, or at least words to the same effect.

So pretty much a run of the mill tantrum right? Why would I be talking about this now? Because some things about the human condition don't actually change. They change their outfit, sure, but the issue itself remains the same. You, I and every child in the world still have tantrums it's just that most of us dress them up differently now that we have 'grown up'.

When you think about it we have a great number of things to have tantrums over - certainly better reasons than when we were children. We discover poverty, injustice, chronic health conditions, relationship break downs and any other form of suffering that you can think of. There is an in-built trigger of rage and sadness in each of us when we are party to and particularly when we are the target of said suffering.

Of course being grown up we now realise that there is absolutely nothing that our earthly parents can do about these problems, indeed in many cases they are in fact the source of many of these problems. So what do we do? Well all too often we perpetuate the problem, we either internalise and end up imploding turning to self loathing which in turn sabotages all of our closest relationships or we externalise and end up exploding which respectively sabotages all of our closest relationships. Not good.

So this is why I started with this story - because my bike fiasco did not end this way. In response to being told where to go my dad could have taken offence and left me to cry it out on the sofa. Fortunately for me however, I have a good father. He told me that I could tell him what happened and that he could try and help. In my infinite wisdom  I had already concluded that the damage to my bike was beyond repair and as a result there was really nothing that my dad could offer me as consolation in this situation, hence I felt the need to rebuff him. I articulated the conundrum quite effectively - 'my bike is broken'. Of course my dads knowledge of bikes was far superior to mine and so he decided that rather than solving the small problem of my bike he would fix the bigger issue of my attitude. He came over to my sofa and wrapped his arms around me.

Of course he assured me that he would do his best to fix my bike but he was far more interested in letting me know that a much healthier way for me to resolve my issues was to come to him and explain my problem rather than believing the lie that all hope was lost. I had tried to fix my bike myself and couldn't - that doesn't mean my bike is beyond repair. But more important than any of that, my relationship with my dad was of far greater value than any bike I could own. The refrain that shaped my childhood came out once again. 'I might not always like what you do but I will always love you, no matter what.'

After some time on the sofa I calmed down a bit and apologised to my dad, we went out together to get my bike and of course my dad showed me how it could be fixed easily without even needing any tools.

Ok, time to bring this back to us adults. We experience the 'broken bike' in our lives and it hurts, we don't really have any human relationships that are able to fix those hurts but we certainly try. We marry people who 'complete' us, we drink, gamble, sleep around, advance our career, work harder, get stronger be better all in an attempt to fix our broken bike. The issue is that at best we only break our bike further. We divorce, become alcoholics, get into debt, traffick modern day salves, get addicted to porn and cheat to get ahead in the game. Sooner or later we come to the end of our self destructive resources and we have to face the fact that our bike is broken and there is nothing we can do to fix it.

Now comes the equivalent of telling your dad to piss off... We blame God, we say that he cannot exist because of all this mess. We become frustrated with him and run away from him, we throw one heck of a tantrum.

Now here religion can do some seriously weird things, as Christians we often feel the need to cover up our problems. We can't possibly throw a tantrum that is beneath us. God is good and we know it but this situation makes it feel like God is not good. Both cannot be right so I will just bury the feelings and say God is great, YAY, praise the lord! We sell God short and don't actually take our frustration and anger and pain and anxiety to him we just say he is good and busily try and figure out how to patch ourselves up so we can look pretty on Sunday. We even create whole schools of theology to explain why there can be suffering  and a good God (we call it a theodicy) instead of facing our problems. Well this is a Faberge egg. We can do great at making it look pretty on the outside for a bit but it is paper thin and has absolutely no substance to it and just ends up propagating the problem. What's more this is not what the God of the bible tells us to do at all. It is some weird twisted, dismembered, decaffeinated version of what Christ has given us.

 Fortunately for all of us as good as my dad is he is not even a touch on how good God is. While we are far off trying to sort ourselves out and failing miserably he asks 'what is wrong?' it's not that he doesn't know the answer. He is giving you the opportunity to cry out and admit to him and to yourself 'my bike is BROKEN!'.

I can assure you when you make that admission to God, as painful and messy as it can be there is release. For some reason western Christianity has completely forgotten the place of lament, of unashamedly calling it like you see it. Life sucks some times and God is absolutely big enough to handle us screaming at him every now and again. When you are honest with God you give him the opportunity to wrap his arms around you and be enough for you. Now despite the fact that your bike is still in pieces on the drive things are looking better. Why? Because the far more important issue of your relationship with God is improving and that will set you free! The fact that God is also able to put your bike back together (and improve it too) becomes a small side issue by comparison to the fact that you have discovered something better than life itself. The love of God.

Innocence

There is a unique beauty in innocence. It is something to be treasured, marvelled at, enjoyed and protected. Fiercely.

The edges of the world seem less sharp and pointed, more accommodating and generally better when we are innocent. Why? Innocence is guiltlessness, it is having no red on your ledger, no debt owed, nothing to worry about. It is freedom. Freedom from caution, the caution that that is birthed from an expectation of attack, retribution, disappointment and pain. Innocence says that the default is good, not bad, that the outcome will be positive not negative. Innocence is the opposite of being jaded.

Innocence is often associated with naivety, negative connotations of unreality, blindness and foolishness... The waiting period before waking up to the cold harsh reality of life and the smell of ash. It is the cushion that makes you feel safe but doesn't actually break your fall or stop you from snapping your legs.

If this is what you think of innocence then you are not alone. You must have been jaded by life's kicks to the stomach. But there is yet hope. Truth is that you can change your view on the whole thing, if you choose to.

Now you might be pointing to your circumstances right now and saying 'There really is no way I can look at this mess and have any other view than my one right now - and yes I am jaded - for good reason! My Jadedness reminds me that this is what I should expect and that makes this circumstance less shocking and easier to deal with.'

Well, I have no idea what your circumstance is right now but I do know that I have been kicked in the stomach a few times and I have felt the same way about life. Hard exterior keeps me safe. But then I stumbled upon a little nugget of truth (well actually it came and found me out).

You lost your innocence? Welcome to the club, now chew on this: Your innocence can be restored.

You might think I am saying that because I don't know just how deep the pile of filth is that you lost your innocence in a long time ago, but that's not it. I am saying that because it is true, was for me and is for you - doesn't matter who you are.

His name is Jesus and he can be your innocence. Bit of a weird concept to the uninitiated so give me a second here... You, me and literally every other person out there has lost their innocence to a greater or lesser degree. All of us except for this one guy - Jesus. Now one of the most amazing things about innocence is that it holds on to hope, even in the face of the worst situations. That is what Jesus held onto - despite the fact that he knew all of us were a complete mess he held onto the hope that some would decide to choose freedom from all the entangled mess. So he gave up his innocence, took the punishment that he did not deserve, and absorbed all of the guilt of whoever would decide to make the trade.

Now here is a weird thing about guiltiness, once you have been condemned, jaded, broken - you get used to it. This is the reason that criminals so often keep re-offending - they have lost their innocence. Even though they might do their time and pay the sentence for their actions they still feel jaded even though in the eyes of the law they are now innocent. So they just keep on acting like they did before because the way they perceive themselves is not as clear cut or as quick to change as the legal system is. So they re-offend and go back to square one.

We are all exactly the same as this - we might not be breaking the laws of our country but we are all constantly breaking moral, spiritual laws that we generally agree are good. Do not steal. Do not lie. But we do!  That is why Jesus is SUCH good news because he can make you innocent again! But here is the danger - we do the same as the re-offending criminal. We get declared innocent but we don't feel that way. Well here is a lesson we Christians need to learn - tell  your feelings to line up with the truth.

The good news continues here as well. God doesn't just release us from prison and let us wander around aimlessly - he helps us. He is our crutch that lets us stand even with broken legs. If we ask him, he is faithful to restore to us what the locusts have eaten. We might not ever be what we were before but we can retrieve our innocence and we can be stronger than before we ever fell in the first place.

Even though I have done my time

And paid for my crime

Everything is not just fine

I can't get my feelings in line

Cant shake the guilt in this heart of mine

-  Oh pine my soul, pine!  -

For the ineffably divine

To make sense of this mess where there is no reason or rhyme

To his purity and innocence let my life bind

That freedom and release in him I might find

He is open, compassionate and kind

Powerful and pervading, able to renew my mind

Sets me free from the meritocracy grind

Oh my soul, let your worth by him be defined

Amazing grace! Now I can see, I am no longer blind!

Title font used: 'Euterpe'

Yoke

My head is down , remembering its place in the yoke

Compunction and terror, bahal

morally broke.

Is this a Joke?

How am I here again?!  Walking in the path of sinful men

Sitting in the seat of scoffers am I completely off my rocker?

How far can I fall, how deep does it go, have I no sense at all?

Am I just a sucker for a beating, do I still look for meaning in things that are fleeting?

Get up my soul. Stand firm. It's time to let the old man burn.

It was for freedom that Christ  set you free

 do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

Remember it now and remember it well

 you have been released, no matter how far you fell.

He is your strong tower, your tower of refuge. He is the rock on which you stand and he shelters you under his wing.

Follow the Sheppard to the hiding place, tucked  away from the storm in the crevice of the mountain's shadow sing.

Surrounded by storm, fire, smoke and dust

quite yourself and trust.

/Selah/

Hear the still small voice of your loving father.

He calls you by name, feels your pain and reminds you again...

"Oh child of mine, you are known to me, even if you flee to the other side of the sea

 there is nowhere you can go that I won't be.

You are mine, my own and I will never leave you alone.

Don't you know how much this cost? Don't belittle what I have lost

My only son, that's right that's what I've done, the price I paid so you could come

Now sit down at the table take off that yoke remember you are planted by the river like a mighty oak

By the streams of living water your soul will be quenched, tread deeper and deeper get thoroughly drenched.

This grace is limitless, the ocean bottomless forget the superfluous worries of this world and fix your eyes on the prize and let your gaze rise to the skies cause I am coming back to rescue my bride.

So forget those chains of sin and put on this band of love, you are only here for a time but you were made for heaven above."

Gatekeeper

 

Who are the gatekeepers, the guards at the door of your life?

Who are the stoic fortress wardens, armed with wisdom?

Who stands watch, remains vigilant through the night?

Who sees with perspective, the inside and the out?

Who are the key keepers that discern, to enter or not?

Recently my life has come under a certain amount of trial. I say 'my life' meaning more than simply my immediate experience, because while this trial had me at the centre it affected the majority of the people connected to me.

While trials in this life are both inevitable and uncomfortable they are also often moments of decisive clarity. They provide a unique perspective on ones view of themselves but also give an opportunity for us to see how our friends and acquaintances will respond.

Jaffa Gate - Jerusalem, Israel

To borrow a parable it is often not easy to tell whether we have built our house on the rock or on the sand until the rains come down and the floods come up. If your house is still standing by then end - you built it right.  It is the storms of life that are proving of our relationships.

If we take Job as an example (no I am not likening myself to Job) he experiences a trial the like of which most of us will never have to endure, unfortunately for him the people surrounding him were less than perfect in their response. Even his wife (one of his few remaining relatives) tells him to just give up and die! Hardly the kind of encouragement needed to persist through life's trials.

Abandoned Syrian Bunker - Golan Heights, Israel

Thankfully my story is very different! Over the past few days it has become blindingly obvious how well 'insulated' I am by a great number of people around me who care, pray for and support me, often in ways that I never even see. Many of them will in fact be the ones reading this and so to you I say thank you.

Among my friends and family there are a few who have the position in my life to speak louder and clearer to me than many others, their position in my life is decided by me. They may not even realise it but they have more influence over me than most other people. They are in many ways gatekeepers that have the power to discipline, correct, encourage and shape me in ways that most will simply never be able to.

Derelict Shack - Gloucester, England 

The truth is that we all have people like this in our lives, the question is whether they are good gatekeepers or not. Are they wise, discerning, kind? Do they have your best interests at heart? For most people when they are born it is at least initially their parents who fulfil this role - they protect, nurture and direct their children. Or at least they should. Because we are all human we have all experienced disappointment with our gatekeepers, times when we needed them to be looking out for us but they were absent. Or for some of us we found out the hard way that someone we had given the role of gatekeeper to was toxic. They did not have our best interests at heart and they did not just not protect us but attacked us.

What do we do when our gatekeepers fail us? - We fall onto God.

Jobs gatekeepers were pretty useless but he cried out to God and while the response he had was not what he had hoped for it was exactly what he needed. You may have been let down by your parents right from day one but God is the father in heaven who never fails to love you. Your friends and colleagues might be like sand around you but Christ is the rock on whom you can build your life. You may be in the midst of a storm but He can be the anchor.

You may be under siege from all sides but God can be your gatekeeper.

Title font used 'Code Bold'

Laudium #2

'Please, pray for me. I am addicted to glue, I want to stop and go to rehab but I'm addicted, pray for me!'

She had a glue pot in her hand and her fingers were covered in glue. She stood just below my shoulder height and looked as though she were in her late 40s. She was as thin as a rake and as high as a kite. Her forefinger and thumb were corroded, the skin was black and dead from all the handling of solvents. She was lowly. Let's call her Sally.

We obviously prayed for her with the lady who had called us over in the first place (turns out she was a Christian) Afterwards Sally asked us to come and visit her the following day when she was not high so we arranged a time and took her address.

The following day we discovered that the address was completely wrong and that Sally was fairly well known in the community. The resident at the false address gave us better directions.

Note to self - don't rely on information given by people who are high.

We found her at her place shortly after and she was sober. She was happy to see us and I don't believe she meant to give us an incorrect address. She explained she didn't have any tea so couldn't offer us any but we had bought our own. She got cups from the neighbours as hers were all filled with glue. As she made us tea she explained a bit about her life. She lost her mother at a young age and had a huge amount of hurt in her childhood. She ended up as a prostitute at the age of 17 and from there got hooked on drugs. Later she met her now partner, let's call him Sam. Sam Gave her a house, food, love and drugs. He did not really set her free from prostitution, he just made it exclusive. She explained how he abuses her but she is strong - she fights back. Sam is addicted to Cocaine and he is 49 - a similar age to my own father, a scary thought. Fortunately the drugs usually pacify him more than anything.

After we had been talking with Sally for some time Sam arrived back home. He went straight through the living room where we were talking and into his room. Sally first explained how lucky we were that he did not immediately kick us out and then introduced us and explained what he was doing as he was crushing the cocaine pill into a powder. I sat down next to him and started talking as he smoked. The girls went back into the living room. I sat and talked to him for some 2 hours (we overran the time we were meant to stay quite significantly) he explained that he was a Muslim and believed in the Quran. I questioned about his drug addiction, he knew he was not supposed to be on drugs and that he was meant to be praying 5 times a day but that belief seemingly made no difference at all, his justification was that he was able to hold down a job and afford his drugs and he didn't hurt anyone. I didn't bring up the abuse of his partner.

Sam was quite happy to tell me lots about his beliefs and stories from the Quran. I questioned him on his belief about Jesus. He immediately kicked up a fuss and went on a 20 minute rant about Christians and their beliefs - almost all of which he was mistaken about.

I talked to him about what we actually believe but he was very dismissive and often very rude but I can handle insult if it opens the door for me to share what I know.

The gospel is offensive to some, especially to Muslims when it comes to Jesus being the son of God so I figure if we are unable to receive our fare share of insults how can we expect them to.

Our conversation got quite heated at times (though nothing compared to some of the conversations I have had with my own family about issues that we agree on 99% of the time)  I later realised that Sally had started crying when she heard him shouting because she was afraid of what he would do to me. In the end though he actually invited us back on Friday for dinner - no small deal when it is straight from his pocket and he is not exactly wealthy, Cocaine is pretty expensive.

In the time that I had been talking to Sam one of Sallys friends had popped in and the 2 girls who I was with talked with her as well. Let's call her Kate. Kate is a Cocaine addict and professes to be a Christian, she is not in as deep as the other two - she holds down a job and doesn't need to smoke every day but she is still trapped.

That Friday during the day one of our team members met Sally in the street. She was covered in glue and was very high - she explained that they had no electricity in the house and that we could not come. We decided to learn from the first lesson and ignore the retraction of the invite - we did not expect to get fed but we needed to show that God loves this lady - especially when she makes mistakes.

We went and on the way to her place we Found Sally in the street sniffing glue. She invited us back to hers - the lights were on and Sam was in and so was Kate. Sam greeted us with a smile but was clearly not happy that we were there. He went to the kitchen to continue smoking and we sat in their room with Kate and Sally. We prayed for them and as we did so they wept, we were tearing up as well but had to remain strong while there. They knew that they had to leave it behind and they want to make God everything - even more than drugs in their life - but it is not an easy decision to make. Sally explained how she was not going to take glue that day but someone on the street had just handed it to her. She was completely sober by this point, we told them that they need to get out. They need to leave this place and these people if they are going to give up their addiction but it is not easy to tell someone that they need to leave the people they love in order to stop taking the drug they are addicted to but they knew that it was true, they knew that what they were doing was killing themselves. Sally said 'I want to follow God but I know when I take drugs I let the devil inside.' They told stories of some of the dreams that they have and it was nothing short of terrifying. We sang some worship songs together that they knew from childhood. When we were done Sally was smiling, 'I feel hope' she said. She had a sparkle in her eye that was not there before.

The next time we saw Sally was the following Tuesday, 4 days later, it was our last day and we wanted to say goodbye and pray with her one last time. She was alone in her house again and sober. We asked how she had been and she explained that after we left on Friday she Sam and Kate had smoked solidly for3 days until Monday afternoon and she now had severe chest pain because of all the glue. We asked her to be honest, not to tell us what we wanted to hear but to tell the truth - was she ready to leave drugs, was she sincere about quitting and following God whole heartedly. There was a local pastor who ran a rehab but he would not take on any patients unless they were very serious and committed to quitting. Her response was heart breaking. She simply said 'I don't know, I am weak' I am glad that she gave an honest answer though. We prayed again with her and asked her to pray. She said I don't know what I would say. We said she needs to tell God everything, all the things that hurt, explain the reason why she started drugs, talk about everything that hurts that she wants God to heal. She prayed and just thanked God that he loves her - that she saw in us. It was strange to see someone so ready to pour out her heart and past and hurt onto complete strangers but unwilling to address that hurt before God. Actually I think we all do that and it is a real battle to take those things before God despite the fact that we  know that he already knows what we would say. There is that knowledge that we have to admit our problems to ourselves before we tell God about them and we know that God won't just sit on that information. He will do something about it. He will begin to heal but that is a sometimes a long and very painful process but it is worth it.

We are all addicts to sin - we need to admit that before God or we will never be free.  Only once we have admitted that can God begin to address the reason that we are addicts and heal us of the sickness that all mankind shares.

Title font used: 'Alhambra'

Pretoria

Tony threw his 7 Rand change on the floor a couple of feet in front of us - I was shocked and a knot tied itself in my stomach, his following sentence confirmed the motivation behind his action which challenged me and I hope will challenge you.

"I don't need this money" He said "I need Jesus - I depend on him!"

He was welling up and so was I, though I think I hid it quite well (you get good at that if you live in "I am an O.K. Christian" pretence  for too long).

Honking is illegal - not that it stops the taxis

The wisdom of throwing money away aside, his actions spoke more loudly than his words ever could...  

About 10 minutes previously as I was sat down next to him when a friend approached him, handed him 2 cigarettes (one of which Tony offered back to his friend) and 7 Rand change. As far as I know that was the sum total of the money he possessed.

The junctions can be a little crazy

Tony has been living on the streets of Pretoria for the past 6 months since he had a stroke which left him unable to continue working as a panel beater. He is applying for disability benefit  but his situation is still pretty desperate. His second stroke which re-hospitalised him until just a few days prior had stopped him from being able to function well enough to walk further than a block before collapsing.

The stroke had also removed all sensation from his bowels so he is completely unaware of having soiled himself again until someone points out the smell to him.

He lives day by day and he values God more than money.

I had just been trying to comfort him with some scriptures that I knew (I was not carrying a bible with me). He had mentioned Matthew 6 earlier when we had offered to pray for him - he reminded me that I did not need to pray aloud on the street corner for the world to hear, only God needs to hear and he can hear your thoughts just fine!

Later in Matthew 6 Jesus teaches us not to be anxious about what we will eat or wear. I started telling him and he completed my every other sentence, despite not owning a copy of the Bible he knows it very well.

I was not expecting the reaction that I got, it is one thing to remember the word of God, it is another entirely to live by it on a daily basis.

The second event that put a knot in my stomach was seeing people walking by on the street (sitting next to a homeless person on the street is about as close to their perspective as you will get until you are there yourself).

The 7 Rand had been lying on the pavement in front of us a couple of feet away for about 5 minutes before a guy walked past looked at us, saw the money on the floor, picked it up and walked on.

"See - his life revolves around money instead of God", said Tony.

Tony understands that he has more than the young well dressed man who will take 7 Rand for himself instead of giving it to those in need less than 5 feet away, because he has Jesus who is so much more valuable than any sum of money.

An exert from my journal

I talked to him for an hour and a half with the intention of blessing him - I bought him a coke (on his request) and I came away blessed and challenged by him.

Title font 'Lois Ann'

Easter

Here is one of the most profound lessons I have learned and continue to learn day by day.

God is sufficient for me... and can be for you - in every circumstance.

There was once a man who lived an abnormal life, a passionate, god fearing, people challenging, radically different life. His name was John and he devoted his whole life to telling people around him to stop doing what they knew to be wrong and turn to God.

This lifestyle caught him quite a lot of attention - he had a large following of people who would go and spread the same message, tell people about him and he would draw huge crowds, big enough for him to catch the attention of the political leaders of his time.

John was not afraid to confront the leaders of his time either - when the king took his own brothers wife for himself John challenged him on this behaviour which resulted in his false imprisonment. Facing one of the toughest circumstances imaginable John did what any normal human would do. He doubted. He asked God

'Are you really enough for me? Are you what I had hoped for? Will you save us? Will you save me?'

 Gods response, in short was 'yes'

Not long after this the kings new wife demands the head of John and the king obliges on the basis of peer pressure and John is murdered in prison.

How is God sufficient in this circumstance? How can I possibly say that he is enough when he promises salvation yet leaves a devout follower to die alone at the hands of an evil man?

Let me tell you a second story

A man, God fearing and perfect in all his ways - he never did anything wrong. Not even once. He was radically different from everyone around him and he told all around him that he was the way the truth and the life - he was enough. That through him salvation would come, that eternal life could be found.

He drew crowds that none had seen the like of before - people would follow him from town to town to hear him speak and to learn more about what he had to offer.

One day this man received a message from a man in prison named John. The message asked

'are you who you say you are? Are you really enough for me? Are you who I had hoped for? Will you save us? Will you save me?'

The response was 'yes'

But we know that some time later John dies a humiliating, degrading death.

This man continues on his mission - telling people that he was the bread of life. The size of the crowds that he commanded made the political leaders fear because they could not control this man and the religious leaders hated him for taking away their power so they conspired to have him killed.

They arrest him and illegally try him in court - they pay false witnesses to testify against him and they proclaim a death sentence. They bring him before the king who has to authorise the execution and due to the pressure of the crowd demanding his death he gives in and authorises the public execution.

He is stripped naked and pinned up to a piece of wood with nails through his wrists and eventually drowns as his own blood fills his lungs.

He brings new definition to humiliation and despair, he makes John's death look dignified by

comparison.

He is taken down and laid in a tomb.

3 days pass and his followers go to his tomb to mourn and prepare him for burial but the body is not there.

Then reports come in - He has risen from the dead. scepticism. Really?

Then he appears among his followers - he shows the holes in his wrists. belief. He eats with them and explains. He is enough. He is Jesus. He is the Saviour.

He died for them but because he is enough death could not hold him. Because he did no wrong he was able to take punishment for all of them so that when they die they can stand before God knowing that their wrongs have been paid for and they can continue on in eternity with God in perfect unity until everything in the past fades into a pale insignificance. He tells them that they enter into that eternity the moment that they believe that the sacrifice made for them is enough. At that point they begin eternal life, though the body may die their spirit lives on forever.

So how does this mean that God was sufficient for John? God was sufficient because even though he had moments of doubt John believed that God was sufficient for him and that belief is credited to him as righteousness before God which gives him eternal life and therefore eternal hope.

God's sufficiency for you is this: not that he removes you from the storms of life (so as to leave you immature and naive) but that he supplies you with himself bringing you into eternity which you can start living now; which strengthens you to withstand the temporary storms of this life so you can remain standing  eternally.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken;  struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus,  so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. - 2 Corinthians 4 : 8-10

Title font used 'Vaguely Fatal'